|
Hockey History
Check back often, least ye miss something halfway important!
|
|
So
You Want to be an NHL Manager? The phones are all ringing with media types wondering why you made the moves you did. Your secretary can't keep them on hold forever. Most don't believe your comments made at an earlier press conference. Be on the lookout for reporters’ writhing stories about anything they damn well please. Including but not limited to twisting your comments into pretzel like contortions bearing little resemblance to what you meant earlier. Welcome to the world of NHL management. You need to feel like you can handle anything and you did right before you took the job. But now you have a giant sized headache and the four Advil didn’t even made a dent. You start thinking that maybe cocaine isn’t such a bad thing. Your eyes are gazed over from lack of sleep. Your belly is churning from too many chocolate donuts and espresso strength coffee. Its not the end of the world but you mind seems to be begging for it. Your mind starts to go and you start thinking like Bobby Clarke. You start making up statements like, "Big… big is good. He just didn’t fit our style anymore. I’ve got an even better goalie coming in… wait and see. He just never panned out for us; we need someone that doesn’t crack under pressure. We know he is good but his year after year injuries just got to be too much for us. He was a lazy skater and acted like he didn’t want to be a part of the team so we placed him on waivers… too bad nobody took him." Things go from bad to worse. You start doing lunch with the toothless wonder. He tells you things that even in your worst condition you thought you would never believe but you find yourself believing them. You both laugh about the trades you made as if they couldn’t have gone any more wrong but somehow they did. Clarke pats you on the back and says, "There you go kid you are going to be a great GM just like me. I’d bet my life on it." Just then the VP of operations walks up and says, "You're fired smuck, pack your things we want you out of the office pronto." You feel relieved, elated, satisfied, a great and ominous burden has just been lifted. You smile for the first time a smile that is not cynical. You go home kiss your wife and hug your kids. Life that was once put on hold begins again. And there, holding your wife and kids to your side you say, "I am unemployed but life is great." Just then you notice the divorce papers on the kitchen table. You run to the box in the closet where you keep your gun. You raise it to your head and pull the trigger but it does not go off. You fall against a nearby wall bushing the family picture and skewing it. Your feet give way as the emotional weight is too much to bear and you slide down the wall to the floor. You sit there sobbing, sobbing for nearly an hour until finally the guys in the white coats come to take you away. Get
Drunk, Assault Police and go to the Insane Asylum? Yep that's exactly what happened to Joe Thornton of the Boston Bruins. Only he's not a patient, although his actions might have qualified him. Ok so being drunk and stupid don't exactly qualify but you get the picture. Thornton must complete between 80 - 100 hours of community service as part of having charges of assault stayed for a year. This means if little Joey isn't a good boy they can be reactivated. On May 17th Joey and his brother where charged with assaulting police and obstruction (of the law... although he is probably more guilty of other forms of obstruction of the on ice variety) at a bar in St. Thomas. See what happens when you get erased from the playoffs in the early rounds Joey? It is understood that Thornton will be working within the forensics department... gee wonder what Joey is going to have to do? Mop those floors well Joey it will improve your passing skills. "Remember Joeysun, wax on... wax off... wax on... wax off will help your passing skills. No no Joeysun stop using the mop as a hockey stick and pick up that crushed soda can and no.. the trash cans cannot be used as goalposts. Geez... its going to be a long two and a half weeks." Live
from New York... Its Thursday Night Dark. I don't know why I am thinking this but I am. I picture a remake of the Southwest Airlines TV commercial involving a Russian hockey player called Primakov. I see the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim. Some guy up in the terrace section. "What's the Russian name for loser?" he laughs, "Sergei Fedorov." Just as in the original commercial there is an announcement in the arena. "We'd like to welcome the parents of Sergei Fedorov." Then the spotlight comes on and highlights the mother and father of Sergei one row below just as Fedorov senior turns around and grabs the little moron and starts pummeling him. The Southwest famous phrase is heard again, "Want to get away?" I don't know why but these things just pop into my head. :o) Give
me a break ok! Slow summer day, not much going on in the hockey forums. So minimal is the activity that I have resolved to be silent too. After listening to beefs of lunatics offering their mad trade rumors I am worn out anyway. Wings still haven't moved Curtis Joseph, either because they can't or the offers just aren't right. Most of the talk is just that talk, filling up pages upon pages of forums with spoofs. Even the news media is getting into it. Sad. Amazingly, the Boston Bruins have decided not to accept the arbitration amount of 2.51 million awarded to Bryan Berard. Ok, I understand Boston doesn't have the money perhaps to pay his contract, but at least they could have accepted and then traded him for someone receiving less money. I am sure there are NHL clubs willing to exchange a 1M dollar player for him. The Boston decision looks bad for hockey in general. Could end up being a good thing for Berard, some GM ought to be willing to pay him at least 80% of the arbitration amount to get him. Financially, and perhaps career wise he stands to gain. Boston Bruins know the ultimate irony. They have enough money to sign Detroit's Martin Lapointe to an astronomical amount then can't even reward a player adequately when he deserves it. Go figure! Looks like Boston is going to continue to suffer from bad management choices... almost feel sorry for them. I said almost.
|
Copyright © 1999 HardIce.Com All rights reserved.
Revised: September 29, 2003